The Journal of Sam Winchester

(not Sammy)

i'm emo on the roof
Sam Winchester psychic_wonder
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The Park, Monday Evening
Sam didn't know what was more disturbing - spending the weekend as Lucifer again or what had happened to Dean. He didn't remember all the details of their conversation, but what memories he had were pretty unpleasant. He'd spent the day hiding from Zoe and Grace, not wanting to have to explain himself, and ended up at the park, throwing some bread at the ducks in the pond. At least he wouldn't have to explain anything to Peter, and maybe Dean would just chalk it all up to Fandom weirdness? He could hope, at least.


Yeah, he could dream.

Dean sighed once he finally spotted the kid on the park bench, lips forming a tight line of suppressed emotion. He squared his shoulders after a moment and marched on over. "Hey."

Sam looked up and smiled softly. He couldn't stop himself from being happy to see Dean, no matter how he tried. "Hey to you too. How's it going?"

Dean took that as an okay to take a seat next to him, legs stretched out as he watched the ducks. "So, that was a crappy weekend," he ventured, half hoping that maybe Sam wouldn't know what the hell he was talking about.

"That was a really crappy weekend," Sam said with a sigh. "Welcome to Fandom, where you never know what Saturday is going to do to you."

"This happens a lot?"

"Stuff happens a lot. Not this particular thing though," Sam said with a shrug. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He was okay on a scale of Winchester insanity. "You?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Not evil anymore at least. Or more than I ever am, I guess."

Dean frowned at that, giving those ducks an intense look. "You're not evil, Sam. Who the hell told you that?"

"I don't keep a list, but this isn't the first time this has happened," Sam said, turning to look at Dean. "Dean, I need you to be honest with me right now. Your Sam--is that what happened to him? Did I--I don't know, get possessed?"

"It wasn't like that." Which pretty much answered Sam's question without really answering it. "If there was any other choice, trust me. We woulda taken it."

"So, that's what's going to happen to me then?" Way to make Sam feel better Dean. "And you. What am I going to do to you?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Dean replied quickly. Because fuck fate. He'd keep one version of his family together and alive. As best he could.

"No offense, but if it didn't work the first time..." Sam let out a breath and sighed.

Ouch, Sam. Way to make your brother flinch.

"The first time I wasn't around when you needed me. This will be different." If it even got to that point.

"How could you not be around? You're always there," Sam said, managing a smirk.

Dean went quiet, righteous indignation going out of him. "Yeah, not always."

Sam frowned at that. "Nothing's allowed to happen to you either, you know. We can both be okay, right?"

"That's the problem, I think," Dean replied, eyes up and avoiding him. "I ever tell you I got to meet mom? Actually meet her. Both of us did, actually."

"Like, her ghost or..." Sam trailed off, looking surprised. "That sounds like some Fandom level stuff."

"Angels," Dean said like that explained everything. "She was a hunter."

Sam laughed at that, and then stopped when he looked at Dean. "Wait, you're kidding, right? But... dad never said..."

"Dad didn't know," Dean replied. "She left it to be with him. She made the freaking deal that killed her to be with him. And dad made a deal to save me. And I made a deal to save you."

Each addition, his voice grew harsher. Like this was just the icing on top.

"I swear to god, you guys aren't going to make those same mistakes."

"Do I--have I ever made any deals for you?" Sam asked. Because that was totally the thing to take away from this conversation. "This all sounds so impossible."

"That's complicated." And depended on if Ruby counted. "Look. Just. Stay in school and keep that fiancé of yours safe. Okay?"

"I will. Of course I will," Sam said. Then, because weekends were terrible, he leaned over and pulled Dean into a hug.

"You're a big baby," Dean informed him. But that hug wasn't ending anytime soon on his part.

"Jerk," Sam said, with total fondness.


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